Deus ex Machina

For those who have read "The Dark Tower" you know how King places ridiculous pieces into the text and even refers to them as Deus ex Machina. The notes that are left by the author himself for the characters to know how to act. Now, I don't think myself to be in a book, though watching The Matrix and reading Sophie's World have convinced me that it is not entirely evident. There is however a strange phenomenon. A leg broken off of a table sits on the landing of the apartment below me. It always catches my attention. Now, Wednesday, I find another table leg sitting in the back room of the CW storefront. Spooky. Either I will be clubbed to death by one someday, or it will fall from the sky into my hand at the very moment when I need to bring Excalibur down on somebody's skull. Or maybe it is just a flimsy table design that was widely distributed throughout Cleveland.

Sign

One of the guys who comes into the storefront drop-in center has a very inflated opinion of the powers of physicians. He often talks to me about head transplants and being able to keep people alive forever. He speaks with a wild look in his eyes and a voice that is certain of what he speaks. Last Wednesday, he came in and announced that physicians could revive the dead if they really wanted to. That all it would take is a sign on a door and the physician who saw it could enter in and perform this miraculous act. Normally when he speaks I just nod and try to look pleasant, but this night he spoke with a conviction that shook my soul. The power to revive the dead lies within the physicians he said. They just don't know it until the sign tells them that they can. I shivered with my touch by the divine. I was being called out. If I believe in the powers that God has placed within me I can drink snake venom and walk on water. Like the final test in "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade" I need to hear the call and then step out into space. Demons come out of this man! Certainly we are familiar with the story of Legion, but Heavenly powers come out of this man! You are possesed by the Holy Spirit! Come forth! Speak to the prophetic message! Perform God's miraculous works!

dude!!

Just as a branch cannot bear fruit on its own unless it remains on the vine, so neither can you unless you remain in me [i.e. Jesus].

to what end?

So, when I first entered medical school, my goal was to be a doctor 24/7. to be able to go wherever, whenever. to have nothing in my life but being on call. needless to say, that is not a sustainable goal. and now i realise that i need other things in my life. more precisely, i have been blessed by having meagen enter my life. and i'm not going to live out that original career goal just the way i had imagined it (who ever does?) and i don't want to, but what is my goal? what is it that motivates me in school? what interest groups do i want to attend? what articles do i want to read? what need to i want to meet? much of the original vision can be salvaged, but i feel rather confused these days as i sit in class and am not sure what i want to get out of it. sure, being a doctor will be pretty cool. and i do want to do it. but i need a vision of how to incorporate it into my life. i am like the seedlings that are growing in my den. i have a structure and a goal, and each day i stretch a little more toward the sun, but sometimes my container gets moved and i end up bending in a new way. and sometimes if you look close enough you can see me growing and bending, but usually it is too slow to notice, you just come in one day and notice that things are different, taller, more developed, and you wonder when it happened. and sometimes the leaves spread and the plant takes on a whole different shape than you thought it would. i can feel my little soul cells stretching and growing. moving towards the son. lord jesus, these hands are yours, i give them over to you along with my mind, my eyes, my whole body and being. take me lord, and illumine the path so that i might live in your light and feel your gentle pull through my life.

sacrament

Acts 8:36-38--As they traveled along the road, they came to some water and the eunuch said, “Look, here is water. Why shouldn't I be baptized?” And he gave orders to stop the chariot. Then both Philip and the eunuch went down into the water and Philip baptized him. ---isn't this what sacraments are all about? signs of god's presence in the midst of our lives. baptised in a puddle. not an elaborate baptistry. jesus healed with spit. the disciples baptised with mud. made from the earth. to dust we shall return. ruach makes it holy. (thanks to meagen for calling me to the daily readings)

pants

32 hrs. into my test of will to see how long i would wear a pair of scrub pants, i succumbed. i have however, still avoided the shower.

ups and downs (or, locked up)

jumped out of bed this morning and threw my pants on. unfortunately, they were not the same pair of pants that i had been wearing yesterday, which means that when i locked the door shut from the inside and pulled it shut, i was there with shoes, pants, underwear, a t-shirt, and my phone. this caused me to reflect on what it is like to have your options limited. i had no wallet. i couldn't buy lunch. i couldn't get bus fare. i couldn't drive my car. i couldn't go put a jacket on or have a place to take a nap. i couldn't get in at work or school without someone to let me in. i was immediately shoved into a world where my options were extremely limited. eventually i was able to get someone in the office to let me in, but what a blessing that apartment was! the time was good for reflecting on what i have and what i carry with me. what i carry within me. who can look me in the face and recognize me. thank you jesus for what i have. thank you jesus for the swift kick in the gut to make me realize it.

big lots

Went to Big Lots with Meagen last night. We showed up five minutes before they were supposed to close but they had already locked the door. Anger welled up in both of us and in the middle of my rage, Meagen led me to prayer. Anger is an Ok thing, but not if you let it fester. What a blessing to be in the presence of someone who helps to put you right.